can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
