Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
