someone threw a dead crab at me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
