Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize