It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
