mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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