I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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