apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
