please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize