based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
