I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
