Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
