living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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