I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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