Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
