Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
