I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
