guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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