the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
