Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Green mimosas i think yes
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
