Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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