Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
