Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sorry about my life...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
