we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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