i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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