i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
