I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
