Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
