Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
