I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
