Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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