if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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