I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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