writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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