Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
