Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize