Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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