Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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