I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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