Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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