just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
