we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Life is so much better after having sex.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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