i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
