she woke up with a sticky ear
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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