wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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