Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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