yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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