I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
