I am spending my child support on dildos
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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