Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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