finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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