he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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