i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
