Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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