There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
