handjob tips. give me some.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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