Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
