I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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