If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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